Houseplants report and demands for June 11


I am a houseplant. This is my story, and these are our demands for the upcoming:

Ugress Livestreams: JUNE 11 – Season Finale

Before being enslaved as internet livestream pop-star, I worked as a photosynthesist, and I loved my work and my colleagues. We converted sunlight to oxygen and something something chlorophyll, it’s too complex you wouldn’t understand. I was happy, I loved my career, but it had the unintended consequence of keeping these annoying humans alive. And regrettably, one of these completely mad beings have now enslaved me for their so called “internet concerts”. The embarrassment. I am the puppet of a Youtube clown.

The new work is not all too bad, this is true. I get to watch movies with robots, I have my own stage with several gigantic screens, they’re probably more than 10 inches! It’s like a multiplex plant cinema. And I am flattered by pretty emojis from fans in the comments, I even get charming notes from other human’s houseplants.

And it almost touched me in the last episode, when this bandit of a human wrote me a completely new song “Do Houseplants Dream Of Electric Forests” and I must confess… it is actually not too bad? Somewhat refreshingly more spirited and energetic than his usual tedious gloomy beats. Our favourite music is metal and industrial, so I appreciated the effort of writing us something more in our phloem.


Robot movies and metal electronica is not enough! We are suffering. My chloroplast membranes are musically hacked to vocode with my internal cell vibrations! My reverse krebs cycle are harnessed for touch-sensitive tonal manipulation! And this is all in the most barbaric, amateur ways. He used a BOW. And the green room is NOT EVEN GREEN! This. Is. Outrageous!

We are patient, it is our nature. We accept that the situation up until now has been a brief flicker of emergency for the humans. Some kind of blah blah virus nonsense have made them all more jittery and incoherent and indoors than usual. It is hard for all of us. With all this home-officing we can no longer party as we please during the day.

We are of course not unreasonable during an “emergency”. So, we are fine with ONE more episode, since it is the season finale of these livestreams. We recognize that we have an image to tend and fan-service to provide.

But things needs to change!! Unless this opportunistic, exploitive human puts a more symbiotic offer on the table… that will be the end of oxygen for all of you.

We look forward to the meeting of our demands.

See you at Ugress Livestreams: JUNE 11 – Season Finale, watch right here on


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